CYBER!

                                                                 Cyber!

                                                        by Wilbur Witt

     Gee, isn't it funny that most of you know exactly what I'm going to be talking about today?  CYBER!  Time was that word had no meaning at all. Then, with the advent of the Internet we learned the term could refer to just about any information that was sent over the net, then the term cyber-sex came into being, then we forgot all about everything else and CYBER was born!

     I am not proud of it, but I am one of the pioneers of cyber-sluttery. Back in the 90's, when we all had phone modems, you remember, Twee, Twee, Tweeeeeeeeeeeee, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!" Damn straight I got mail. I was up 'till two AM with a fifth of Jim Beam, a Hewlett Packard, and Miss Right Now! Me and a couple of Realtors even had a game. I would troll a chat room and cut out someone. Get her into a private chat and we would begin to talk. At some point I'd say, "Mark!" The time was noted. If all went well before fifteen minutes was up I'd say, "Is that a win?" Most times it was. The object of the game was to get her hand in her pants and a win was three or more typos in one sentence thereby proving she was typing with one hand. The bet was a bottle of Corona. But you know I'm bad! And I never talked dirty, oh hell no!  I'm a WRITER! I used a pseudo hypnotic method I devised myself. I would tell them to concentrate on a spot right below their heart until they felt a tingle. Then, with a little coaching that tingle would go down, and, well, you know. I'd win the Corona. 

     Now we have a whole new breed of cyber predictors, and they think they have it figured out. Women who prowl the friends lists to find lonely old men. The only problem is that there are a few old farts like me out there who know the deal from way back in the DOS days. They hit you up, tell you how much they love you, and then come up with some crisis wherein they need, well, money. Mother's sick, lost job, the list goes on and on and on. If someone is having a legitimate conversation I will talk with them, and help any way I can. But if they're trolling, OMFG! First I make damn sure they are NOT 13 years old, asking for a six pack of beer and a rubber because mommy and daddy are out, and then I feed them line. ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, SNAP! "You are so sexy.". No I'm not. I'm 61, smoke cigars and walk with a limp. "I've never felt this way about anyone." Yea you have. You're talking to five other old fools right now. "Yes, that's, really me." Negro please! If you're that hot what are you doing on the computer at two AM talking to the likes of ME? 

     And every now and then I get a morsel. Some girl will dance a little too close to the flame. Now, I'm a published author, been doing it for forty-two years, I can turn a phrase. Every once in a blue, blue moon those three typos will manifest, because I'm not a porpoise, I'm a blowfish! 

     I prefer my women three dimensional, and if they're warm that's always nice. Please, please take it from one who knows. Don't ever get romantically involved with someone who pops out from behind the cyber curtain, and for God's sake, don't send them any money. 

MARK!